Is this a kissing book?
by zeph317toho
Summary: Once upon a time, a young man must leave his love to seek his fortune on the high seas while the lover becomes embroiled in kingdom politics. It's going to take some adventures to see if they can reunite. Or, The Princess Bride AU.


This was written for the 30 Day AU Challenge I undertook in April. This was my fill for Day 11: Author/Artist's Favorite Film AU.

Please just bear with me.

This is...let's just say all this fell eerily into place with canon characters _actually in-character_ once I got started. It was weird. I'd planned more for it, but I just ran out of time before I could work in more characters. I had way too much fun with it, and hope it gives you a laugh too!

Pairing: Grimmjow/Ichigo

Rating: T for canon-style violence and language

Warnings: I literally followed the plot and some of the scenes of The Princess Bride with a few twists, so if anything in that movie was triggering, it could be here too.

* * *

Once upon a time there lived a handsome young man who was born to fight and brawl. It was the one thing that gave him pleasure, and since he was very good at it, people came from all over the kingdom to fight him.

One day, a simple farm boy challenged him, and to Grimmjow's everlasting irritation, actually beat him. He snarled and instantly demanded a rematch.

"You will stay here and fight me until I win," Grimmjow said.

The farm boy Ichigo offered him a hand up and said, "As you wish."

Day after day, Grimmjow burst into Ichigo's house or found him in the fields or startled him in the stables and challenged him to a fight.

All Ichigo ever said was "As you wish." And then went on to kick the crap out of him.

No matter how many times they fought, no matter if Grimmjow got the upper hand or if Ichigo won again, Grimmjow could curse and yell but Ichigo would only ever tell him, "As you wish."

"Draw your sword and fight me," Grimmjow leaped on him with his own weapon in hand.

"As you wish," Ichigo would say as he drew his sword.

"Fight me with all your power!" Grimmjow would command as he ambushed Ichigo in the forest out hunting.

"As you wish," Ichigo would put down his snares and battle until they were both too bruised and bloodied to do anything but limp their way home.

Until one day all alone in the depths of the forest, Grimmjow realized that when Ichigo said "As you wish" what he really meant was "I love you too, asshole."

And after Grimmjow disarmed Ichigo then wrestled and pinned him onto the pine-needle strewn forest ground, he leaned down and kissed him.

And Ichigo wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him back.

They spent the days working his father's farm, the evenings sparring until they were exhausted, and the nights in each others' arms.

But then King Aizen took over the throne and Ichigo's father lost his farm. His sisters were sent away to an aunt and Ichigo decided to go to sea to earn money to support them all.

"Don't go," Grimmjow breathed into Ichigo's mouth as he cradled his face in his big hands. "We'll figure something out."

"I have to," but Ichigo kept his hands on Grimmjow's back and leaned up into his kisses. "If I don't go and make my fortune, my dumbass dad is going to kill himself trying to do everything alone."

"Then let me go with you." Grimmjow trailed his lips down Ichigo's neck and Ichigo choked off a moan.

"You can't. You have obligations here. But," Ichigo slid his hands around to Grimmjow's head and pulled it back so he could stare directly into his eyes, "I promise I'll come back to you."

"But there's so many great fighters out there. You'll get to fight them without me."

Ichigo slugged Grimmjow in the shoulder. "I'm just going to be a cabin boy. I don't think I'll be getting into many battles."

"You'd better not. Not without me." Grimmjow kissed him until Ichigo groaned and turned his mouth away.

"I have to go," but he trailed one hand down to Grimmjow's ass.

"What about the Dread Pirate Urahara? They say he rules the high seas." Grimmjow just held him close and breathed him in. "What if your ship is captured? Everyone knows that the Dread Pirate Urahara never leaves survivors."

"Do you really think that a little thing like death can keep us apart?" Ichigo squeezed his ass and smiled his little smile that he showed only for Grimmjow. "Do you think that what we have just comes along every day? We are True Rivals. This only comes along once in a lifetime. We're bound to only fight each other."

Grimmjow held him tighter and kissed his forehead.

"You'd better not let him kill you or I'll bring you back to life just so I can kill you myself."

And Ichigo kissed him breathless one last time and said "As you wish."

So Grimmjow waited day by day for any word of Ichigo growing angrier and angrier. Soon the only thing that would mollify him was sparring with five of his friends and taking his frustrations out on them.

One day as they were training, there was a great fanfare and Grimmjow wiped the sweat off his face to peer out at the crowd assembling.

It was King Aizen himself who came riding up to where Grimmjow stood, thoroughly unimpressed.

"You are a fine fighter," he said, the light glistening off his glasses in a way that Grimmjow found extremely odd. "I want you to join my Espada."

"No way. I'm not fighting anyone else." Grimmjow told him and turned away, ending that discussion.

But Aizen was not a man to give up easily, and as the days turned to weeks and the weeks slipped by into months, there was still no word form Ichigo and Grimmjow began to fear. And as the months went by into a year, and Aizen still flattered him with offers of the best fighters and the finest spars and a new sword, Grimmjow clung to the memories of his fights with Ichigo but wondered.

Then came the brief letter from Ichigo's father. He had word that Ichigo's ship was taken by the Dread Pirate Urahara. And everyone knew that the Dread Pirate Urahara never left survivors.

The next time Aizen offered him a position, Grimmjow moved into the castle Las Noches to join the other nine finest of Aizen's fighters, the Espada.

Even there, surrounded by luxuries and the finest weapons Aizen's wealth could provide, he wasn't happy. He dreamed of Ichigo but he realized now that he was gone and would never return. So he threw himself into the battles Aizen directed, fighting whoever he was ordered to, thrilling in the violence and ferocity of a fight, even if it paled to his memories of Ichigo.

His only time of true happiness was training outside the castle and sparring with his loyal friends who still met up with him away from the Espada.

He was on the way to join them one day when two young men stepped out of the trees into his path.

"Who the hell are you?" he demanded.

The shorter man pushed up his glasses and said, "I am Uryu and this is my associate Chad. We are lost in this forest and in need of directions. Can you maybe point out on this map where we are?"

Grimmjow leaned over to peer at the map thrust at him. "What the fuck's your problem? You just have to follow the path out the way you—hey, you bastard!" was all he could yell.

The big man, Chad, had moved with such speed it shocked Grimmjow and although he tried to block it, Chad's heavy fist came down on his neck with such force the last thing he could think as the darkness rushed over him was "Ichigo would've kicked my ass if he knew I fell for that."

* * *

He came awake with the ground rocking and swaying beneath him. He groaned and rolled over to find that he was on a boat and it was apparently not in easy sailing.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he growled as Chad leaned over him.

"He's awake," Chad said, thoroughly unnecessarily since Grimmjow was wriggling and swearing loudly trying to get free from his bonds.

"You're only going to hurt yourself," Uryu informed him.

"Let me go now, and I'll only kill one of you," Grimmjow swore.

"Oh my goodness no, we can't be having that," came a voice from the other end of the boat. A tall man with white hair and a big smile came into view. His smile only grew when Grimmjow cursed him again.

"Chad, won't you please cut our captive's feet free? There's no reason for him not to be more comfortable."

When Chad leaned down to obey, he man said, "But maybe not his hands. He might only damage himself."

Grimmjow punched his knee toward Chad's face but Chad dodged it easily. He pushed Grimmjow back to sprawl on the deck, hands still tied in front of him.

The man leaned down in front of him. "My name is Gin. My associates and I have been hired for our special skills. We're going to start a war between King Aizen of Hueco Mundo and King Yamamoto of the Shinigami."

"What the fuck does that have to do with me?"

"Well, you see, you're well-known as one of King Aizen's special fighters the Espada. If your body is found in neutral territory between the kingdoms with a patch from a Shinigami uniform, then everyone in Hueco Mundo will believe the Shinigami killed you. And King Aizen will have to take action to avenge you and the Shinigami will fight back. Soon, beautiful chaos," he patted Grimmjow's leg companionably.

"You're going to kill me?"

"You're going to kill him?" Uryu echoed, exchanging looks with Chad. "You didn't say anything about killing him."

"Well, you're on a need to know basis and that is something that you didn't need to know." Gin stood and moved back to the tiller.

"I'm not sure how I feel about—" Uryu stopped when Chad suddenly pointed behind them.

"There's a ship."

"Yes, very good," Gin patronized. "We're on the sea. Where there are ships."

Then there was a large splash and a gurgling sound. Uryu and Chad ran for the side that Grimmjow had just gone over.

"He's trying to swim away!" Uryu yelled.

"Well go in and get him," Gin called as he tried to swing the boat around toward the floundering but determined Grimmjow.

"Are you crazy? These are custom-made clothes," Uryu hollered back. "You go in after him."

"I'm steering the ship!"

They looked at Chad who mimed and said, "I only doggy paddle."

Meanwhile Grimmjow was trying his best to swim with his hands tried and only his legs to kick out with. The waves were strong and washed over him, leaving him constantly spluttering and coughing as he tried to swim away. The only thing was: he didn't know where he was going to get away ito/i in the middle of the sea.

Then a strong hand caught his collar. Grimmjow snarled and tried to pull free, but the hand tightened and pulled him up until other hands could join in and pull him onto the deck. He coughed and spit out the sea water and cursed the kidnappers and their entire families.

"Tie him up again, fellas!" Gin called down. "It appears he can't be trusted!"

Chad obeyed and then sidled up to Uryu who was standing far away from the dripping mess of Grimmjow. "The boat. It's getting closer."

Uryu looked behind them and it surely seemed the other, larger ship was gaining on them. "I don't think it matters much. Gin plans to go up the Cliffs of Insanity." He pointed at the cliffs that were now visible on the horizon.

"Who do you think it is?" Chad asked quietly.

Uryu shrugged and pushed up his glasses. "I don't think it's going to matter much for him."

* * *

The Cliffs of Insanity were high and sheer, and while Grimmjow didn't mind heights, he really wasn't enjoying the trip up since he was dangling precariously by a line that Chad and Uryu had rigged up to pull him up.

He didn't make it easy on them, shouting and trying to bite them every time one of their extremities came near.

Gin seemed to find it all rather funny as he had shinnied up the ropes first and stood peering over the edge at them calling down unhelpful suggestions.

When Uryu first felt the tugs on the rope, he thought they were just from the wind. He chanced a look down and saw a man had brought a tiny dinghy from the ship and now he was climbing the ropes below them. And since he was unencumbered, he was rapidly ascending.

"Chad, we need to go faster," Uyru called.

Chad grunted but he hauled himself and the trussed form of Grimmjow up steadily.

Grimmjow cursed a blue streak as the motion swung him out from the cliff. He got a good look at the figure below. It was a man in all black with some kind of black covering over his head and, when he looked up directly at Grimmjow, an encompassing black mask.

Grimmjow spared a curse for him and spit, hoping it would land on the man.

Then his side was bumping into the rocks hard and Chad was pushing him up as Gin pulled. He managed to bite Gin on the wrist and hold on until he was firmly on the ground and Gin kicked him in the stomach.

As soon as Chad and Uryu were safely on the top, Gin started cutting the ropes.

"That man will fall off," Uryu gasped as he tried to catch his breath.

"That's the point," Gin said and looked over the cliff as the last rope fell. "Well, son of a bitch."

Uryu and Chad looked alongside him. Grimmjow made a spirited attempt to wiggle-crawl away while their backs were turned. "He didn't fall," Uryu said. "He must be very strong, to be able to climb the cliff face like that."

"You'll just have to stay here and finish him off," Gin said. "Follow us as soon as you've taken care of him. And Chad, do go catch Grimmjow again and carry him. We have a long way to go yet."

* * *

Grimmjow was more pissed off than he'd ever been. The next person, animal or thing came within teeth range was dead. He didn't care if he had to kill them one bite at a time and if it took him two days to gnaw at them, they were dead.

He'd been kidnapped, nearly drowned, lugged up a death-defying cliff then carried across the land by a giant who wouldn't even respond when Grimmjow swore until he was hoarse.

They were jogging along at a steady rate when Grimmjow raised his head from his uncomfortable perch hanging over Chad's back. Then he started laughing, maybe just a bit hysterically.

"Stop that," Gin said. "You sound even crazier than usual."

"He's there, the man in black. He got through your prissy little friend."

Gin stopped and so did Chad. Grimmjow could only stare at the ground.

"Well, that sucks," Gin said. "Chad, you'll have to take care of him."

Chad dropped Grimmjow on his head, making him curse his ancestors. "You'll carry him?"

"Ha, no. Cut his legs free so he can walk and then..." Grimmjow snarled as they freed him from the knees down so he could walk after a fashion and left the rest of him trussed up tightly. Then they fashioned a leash around his neck and Gin topped it off with a bag over Grimmjow's head that smelled vaguely like candy.

"When you've finished him off, catch up to us, Chad."

Chad grunted and Grimmjow grunted too as Gin's tug at the rope made him lurch forward.

They trudged along, Grimmjow losing balance occasionally and Gin not eager to lead him over the smoothest path. Grimmjow ground his teeth and visualized all the ways he was going to kill Gin and desecrate the body.

They finally came to a stop when Gin made a thoughtful hmm noise. "Well, doesn't that beat all? I guess there's nothing to do but take matters into my own hands." He pushed at Grimmjow's shoulders while kicking the back of his knee so that Grimmjow was forced to sit hard on the ground.

He was still comparing Gin's mother to every type of harlot he could imagine, when Gin interrupted. "Hello there, stranger. Out for a stroll today? … Oh, you're the strong, silent type, eh?"

"Give me the man," came the stranger's eventual reply.

"I don't think so."

"I'll do you like I did your friends."

"They weren't actually my friends, but I am a little curious about what you did to them."

"They won't be a problem."

"Well, isn't that ominous. And you intend to do the same to me."

"Yes."

"Wouldn't you rather test yourself against my wits? I'll have you know—"

Gin's voice was cut off, and Grimmjow heard the sounds of sudden and extreme violence. It was a sound he was lovingly familiar with.

The bag was ripped off his head and he butted his head forward hoping to catch whoever did it. But the man in black had expected an attack and stood far enough away that Grimmjow just tipped himself over flat on his face.

The man wrapped his hand around Grimmjow's arm and sat him up. Then he knelt and quickly sliced through the ropes around Grimmjow's legs and hoisted him to his feet. "Can you run?" he asked in a ragged voice.

"Yeah."

"Then run." And the man in black took off. Grimmjow spared a look at Gin on the ground and kicked him once, right in the balls. Then he ran after the man in black.

When he'd caught up, he said, "Cut the rest of these damn ropes."

"Once we get to the Forest. Can't risk stopping until we can stay hidden."

"Who's chasing us?"

"Those three, I'd guess."

"You mean you didn't kill them?!"

"No I didn't kill them. They were only following orders."

"You stupid piece of shit! They'll be after us!"

"Then you'd better run faster," and the man in black accelerated and pulled ahead. Grimmjow ground his teeth and ran.

It was going well until the ground grew rockier on the top of a steep hill. They were running along the crest but Grimmjow was having trouble dodging the rocks with his upper body still tied. He finally tripped over one and not able to catch himself, went down hard.

To his credit, the man in black jogged back to where Grimmjow had rolled onto his back and stared up at the sky, questioning every single one of his life choices. "You okay?" The man in black was out of breath too and put his hands on his knees as he stood over Grimmjow.

"No I'm not fucking okay," Grimmjow roared.

The man in black huffed and sat down abruptly. "I'll cut you free if you promise not to kill me."

"I can't promise that."

"I figured. Here, have a drink." A canteen was pushed to Grimmjow's mouth and he drank thirstily even though the angle was bad and he coughed twice. Then the man helped him sit up and lean back against a sharp-edged boulder.

"Who are you? Why are you doing this?" he asked as the man took a long drink.

"I'm saving your life. Isn't that enough?"

"Bullshit. You must have an agenda."

"Don't you know who I am?" the man in black challenged and Grimmjow stared into the dark eyeholes of the mask.

"You're the Dread Pirate Urahara," Grimmjow said slowly. "Now free me so I can gut you, slowly, and make you eat your own balls before I finally kill you."

"Well, that really makes me want to cut you loose." The Dread Pirate settled back against a rock and took another drink. "So if you know who I am, then you know I'm a blood-thirsty, remorseless killer."

"I know," Grimmjow growled then looked away as he fought for his composure. "You killed the only man I ever loved. The best fighter, my one true rival."

"Maybe I did. I've killed a lot of men."

Grimmjow glared. "He was the finest fighter I've ever known. He promised he would come back and we would go off on adventures together."

"And you say you loved him?"

"Of course I loved him," Grimmjow snapped. "I'll never find another man like him. Ichigo was… Ichigo was perfect. He was a dickhead at times, but to me, he was perfect. And you captured his ship and then you killed him."

The man in black waved a hand. "I seem to remember this Ichigo of yours. A young man, naive and foolish? Simple enough to care only about one man? Yes, I seem to remember." The man in black jumped to his feet and began to pace in front of Grimmjow. "I remember that Ichigo looked at me the day I took his ship and do you know what he said? He said please, don't kill me because I'm the luckiest man in the world."

Grimmjow looked down and tried to keep a rein on his emotions.

"That's what Ichigo said. He said he was the luckiest man in the world, do you know why? Because he was in love with his one true rival, a fighter that could beat anyone, but a fighter who had vowed to never fight anyone again besides Ichigo. And that kid of rivalry, that kind of love, only came about once in a lifetime."

The man in black hunched down beside him suddenly and his voice lowered. "It's a good thing that Ichigo died right there because what would he think of you now? A hired killer? A paid fighter for a corrupt king? Just giving it away to the highest bidder?"

"Well, he's gone, isn't he? What else was I supposed to do?" Grimmjow yelled.

The man in black got right in his face. "You were supposed to wait for your one true rival."

"I'll have you know I died that day!" Grimmjow screamed.

A sudden pound of distant hoofbeats made the man in black stand up. "And you can die too for all that I care!" Grimmjow pulled the remaining ropes off from where he'd been fraying them against the edge of the rock. He burst up and caught the man in black right in the chin and kept moving, pushing him over the side of the hill.

He stood, chest heaving, watching the man in black roll down the hill. "As you wish," came a faint call back up to him.

Grimmjow stared in horror. "Oh for fuck's sake, Ichigo, what did you do?" And he flung himself after figuring the fastest way down the hill was the most direct.

He hit the bottom and continued to roll right into a little stream. The man in black was lying nearby on his back, whooping for air. Grimmjow shook his head and crawled as soon as he could get his limbs under control.

He climbed right onto the body and grabbed the mask and head covering. Then he pulled it off as the man in black yelled "You stupid asshole, you're pulling my hair out too. Stop it, let me do it!"

And it really was him beneath the ridiculous coverings. "Ichigo?" Grimmjow stared in shock.

"Yeah?"

"You fucking son of a—" Grimmjow interrupted himself by slamming his lips to Ichigo's. Ichigo opened his mouth instantly and the kiss went from innocent welcome to hot and heavy memory in two seconds.

Then Ichigo pushed at his shoulders and used some kind of leverage and toppled Grimmjow to his back. Grimmjow didn't get a chance to miss him though because Ichigo went right back to kissing him.

"I'm still fucking pissed at you," Grimmjow told him between kisses.

"Yeah, join the club. I'm so pissed at you. What the hell were you thinking, joining up with Aizen?" Ichigo took out his frustration by sucking Grimmjow's neck. Grimmjow tipped his head up further and relished the anger.

"What was I supposed to do?! You were fucking dead!"

"Well obviously I wasn't!"

They glared at each other from inches away, Grimmjow trying to memorize every inch of Ichigo's scowl. He looked different but still the same. His body still felt like heaven to Grimmjow's wandering hands, but he was larger now and felt even stronger. The thought excited Grimmjow.

"When can we fight again?" he purred, running his hands down to Ichigo's ass.

"We don't have time for that. Or that," Ichigo removed his hands and pinned them by Grimmjow's sides. "They're going to come looking for you. We'll double back through the forest and get back to the sea. Once we're on my ship they can't catch us."

"How did you plan all of this?"

Ichigo shrugged and threw him a cocky little grin. "I learned a lot while I was away."

"I'll just bet," Grimmjow said, accepting his hand to stand.

The dangers of the Forest were no match for the two of them fighting side by side and back to back. Grimmjow was so happy to be freed and take his frustration out on things that he didn't even string out his fights as usual. Ichigo had to stand aside at least twice and let him fight his fill.

While they walked, Ichigo explained how he'd been saved by the Dread Pirate Urahara who didn't actually kill everyone but rather dropped them off a different ports so they could start new lives if they wanted. And he'd thought of retiring to a warm beach island with his first mate Yoruichi if he could find a worthy successor. So Ichigo had stayed aboard and learned everything he could along with the crew of Vaizards.

Grimmjow told him about the long days that followed his time at sea and then how Aizen wanted him after word came that Ichigo was gone. "But I've never been happy fighting for him. It's never been like it was for us." And Ichigo seemed satisfied.

"Did you really think you'd be able to get away with it? With me not knowing you?" Grimmjow asked him.

"Urahara assured me that the Super-Duper Mask of All Hiding would render me unknown to anyone, even my closest..." He looked at the grin on Grimmjow's face. "Dammit, Urahara and his stupid worthless ideas. He's so full of shit."

And Grimmjow laughed, loudly and long, for the first time since Ichigo had left for sea. Ichigo looked on with the little quiet smile he'd always given Grimmjow's raucous outbursts.

Grimmjow couldn't help but pin him to a nearby tree and kiss him again.

When they stumbled out of the Forest, muddy, bloody and laughing, Aizen and his guards awaited.

Ichigo unsheathed his sword, and Grimmjow took a stance beside him.

"Grimmjow, I am so relieved to see you hale and healthy." Aizen smiled. "Now if you'll be so good as to come with me—"

"Like hell," Grimmjow told him.

"I can see you are distressed and no wonder after you were kidnapped by Shinigami—"

"No, I fucking wasn't."

"Ah, my dear Grimmjow, you are obviously distraught. It's a good thing we found you and managed to capture your assailant."

"You haven't managed to capture me yet," Ichigo said just as Grimmjow replied, "He's not my assailant!"

Aizen nodded patiently. "I understand that those kidnapped may develop inappropriate feelings for their kidnappers. But you are safe now, we can go back to Hueco Mundo."

"Go fuck yourself," Grimmjow said.

Aizen sighed. "Very well. Do it hard way. Men, take them."

As the other nine Espada spread out into formation, Grimmjow shook his head and made a snap decision. He grabbed Ichigo's sword arm. "I'm sorry. But I can't lose you again."

Ichigo scowled at him but Grimmjow turned to face Aizen. "If I come with you, will you promise to let him go?"

"Grimmjow, dear, that's not—"

"What the hell are you doing?" Ichigo hissed at him.

"Saving your life," Grimmjow whispered harshly. "There's no way that the two of us can take on all nine Espada and survive. If I go back with them, you can get to your boat."

"I'm not leaving without you again."

Grimmjow spun and punched him in the stomach. Ichigo doubled up and fell to his knees. Then Grimmjow turned to Aizen and demanded, "He saved me from the kidnappers and got me through the forest. You have to set him free. Return him to his ship and we'll forget about this forever."

"Grimmjow," Ichigo gasped but Grimmjow was already walking toward Aizen.

"Certainly, Grimmjow. Your loyalty does you credit," Aizen smiled down at him. "Now, return with the Espada while I give your rescuer his due."

Grimmjow started to walk away but looked back once at Ichigo. He couldn't say anything but at least he'd saved Ichigo's life. He left without another look.

Ichigo got to his feet but when he took a step toward Aizen, the other guards closed in. "You aren't going to take me to my ship."

"No, I'm not," Aizen agreed. "I'd be a fool to release the dread Pirate Urahara. Oh yes, I know who you are. The mystery is how you've turned into a completely different person from fifteen years ago. I'm sure that my science adviser Mayuri will get to the bottom of it."

A man wearing strange facepaint and a headdress smirked at Ichigo. Ichigo looked at his hands on the saddle pommel and smirked. "You have a long fingernail on your right hand. There was a man looking for you earlier, a Quincy..." his voice died off when Mayuri fumbled something out of a pouch and sprayed it into Ichigo's face.

Ichigo fell to the ground unconscious.

Aizen sighed. "This has set back my plans for war with the Shinigami by weeks. We need to get Grimmjow back to Las Noches so we can assassinate him properly and clean up the loose ends. Tousen, go find where Gin got to. Mayuri, bring him. He may be useful somehow."

* * *

Grimmjow lurked the halls of Las Noches as soon as they returned. The other Espada didn't seem to care that he was safe and alive, and Grimmjow certainly didn't care about any of them. He wouldn't say he moped but there was a definitely depressed air around him. He wasn't even interested in sparring anymore.

"Grimmjow has had a difficult time since he was nearly murdered," he overhead Aizen telling one of the nobles one day. He sneered. That night he went to Aizen's chambers where he was in conference with his closest advisers.

"It's time we talked," he said, barging in.

"Shut your insolent mouth," Tousen said and rose from his seat.

"Tousen, leave him be. Grimmjow and I haven't had a chance to talk since he returned," Aizen said from his throne. "What did you want to discuss?"

"I want to know what you did with the man you captured. You took him back to his ship, right?"

"I didn't personally, but I delegated to, who was it? Mayuri?"

"My lord?"

"Do you know what happened to the man?"

"Yes, I did exactly what you asked."

Grimmjow snarled. "Neither of you is telling me anything! Where the hell is he?"

"Why are you so passionate about this, Grimmjow? One might think the man mattered to you."

Grimmjow bit his tongue. "It seemed...unfair to harm him after he rescued me. He just wanted to go back to his ship."

"Well, Grimmjow, we don't always get what we want." Aizen rose from his throne and Grimmjow tensed. A horrible cold feeling came over him.

"What the fuck did you do to him? Tell me, you bastard!"

"He made sure you'll never see him again," came a smiling voice from behind him. Grimmjow whirled only to see Gin's face before everything went dark.

* * *

Uryu and Chad roamed the streets of Hueco Mundo aimlessly. Chad wasn't exactly easy to blend in, but he was naturally quiet so people tended not to give him a second look.

"We need to find another job," Uryu was saying for the tenth time. "We have to make enough for ship fare back home to Karakura. I thought for sure I would find the man with one fingernail, but I haven't heard anything about him in Hueco Mundo either."

Chad just nodded as he always did and then pulled Uryu to a stop. "There," he pointed at a notice that a young woman was nailing to a tree.

"WANTED," it read, "HELP IN THE CASTLE LABS. NEEDED: ONE (1) STRONG MAN FOR CHORES and ONE (1) MAN WHO CAN READ AND WRITE."

"That's certainly fortuitous," Uryu said, pushing up his glasses. "Shall we apply?"

Only an hour later, Chad was carrying a bucket and mop through the dungeons that doubled as the laboratories. The girl had taken one look at him and hired him on the spot. But she'd told Uyru he'd have to spend the afternoon working in her office until she was sure he could handle the work.

Chad started cleaning one of the hallways and ignored the men and other things that were locked in the cages. Until one voice called out, "Hey, don't I know you?"

Chad turned and gazed at the man with bright orange hair even underneath the dirt and bruises. "I don't think I know you."

"Aren't you the big guy that was carrying Grimmjow?"

"Oh." Chad walked closer. "Are you the masked man in black?"

"Yeah, I'm Ichigo."

"Chad. You knocked me out."

Ichigo winced. "Sorry about that. I just had to get to Grimmjow and make sure he didn't get killed."

"It's okay. Guess you got caught?"

"Yeah. Stupidass Grimmjow thought if he sacrificed himself then Aizen would let me go. He doesn't realize just how evil Aizen is."

Chad grunted in agreement. Then Ichigo shyly asked, "Have you heard anything about Grimmjow? He's safe, right?"

"There's a ceremony tonight. Aizen is making him his heir."

"WHAT?!" Ichigo shouted. He grabbed the bars of his cell and pulled as if he could bend the metal with brute strength. "That can't be possible! Why would he?!"

"Uryu said that Aizen is promoting him he feels bad that Gin kidnapped him. I guess they've made up now."

"Wait," Ichigo pulled harder. "You mean that Aizen knows Gin?"

Chad nodded. "He's one of the king's advisers."

Ichigo started pacing. "None of this makes any sense at all!"

"Gin told us that Grimmjow was going be killed and he'd make it look like a Shinigami did it so Aizen could declare war."

"And now if Aizen is promoting Grimmjow… and if something were to happen to him now… oh my god they're settig him up. If he gets killed now, Aizen could declare war right away," Ichioog grabbed the bars again. "Chad, you have to get me out of here. I have to save him."

Chad nodded slowly. Then he turned around and started back down the hallway. "Chad, where are you going?! Help me!" Ichigo's head was going to get stuck in the bars if he tried to push it through any farther.

There was a short burst of loud noise and one sharp scream then Chad returned. "Coast is clear." He pulled out some keys and opened the cage.

"You're awesome," Ichigo said sincerely but Chad reached out and grabbed him as he started to run.

"We need to get Uryu."

"Why? We don't have time!"

"He's really good at planning stuff. How are you going to get to the coronation?"

"I don't know," Ichigo admitted. "Fine, let's go get Uryu. I gotta get to Grimmjow!"

* * *

Grimmjow fumed and pulled at the bars on his window again. They still weren't budging. He kicked the door but it was just as solid as it had been for days.

The little flap opened and Gin peeked in. "It's about time, Grimmjow. You all prettied up and ready for the ceremony?"

"Go to hell," he snarled.

"That's the spirit," Gin slammed the flap shut. And Grimmjow screamed.

Meanwhile, Ichigo was trying to explain everything to a very dubious Uryu who Chad had pulled out of the office and into a deserted storeroom. "I'm just saying, it sounds like such an extreme plan. Why would Aizen willingly sacrifice one of his best fighters just to make it look like it was a Shinigami assassin?"

"Aizen's probably sick of Grimmjow. No matter how strong he is, he's a total pain in the ass," Ichigo said lovingly with a wistful little smile.

Chad and Uryu looked at each other as he got lost in happy memories. "Well, we have little hope of sneaking through the castle to find out where the coronation will take place," Uryu said.

"The Great Hall," Chad offered. They turned to stare at him. "Mayuri's assistant said he had left early to get ready for the ceremony in the Great Hall."

"Mayuri," Ichigo repeated. "Oh yeah, the guy with the weird face stuff and head thing," he gestured. Chad nodded.

Ichigo snapped his fingers. "That's right! I almost forgot! He's the one with the one long fingernail. I think he might be the one you're looking for, Uyru."

The pencil in Uryu's fingers snapped and his glasses glinted. "You could have told me this before," he said through tight lips.

"I just remembered."

"He killed my grandfather. I am the last of the Quincy line because of his experimenting and torture. I must have the chance to avenge him!"

Ichigo turned to Chad. "I think we should just start walking. You two work here so no one will think it's too weird. We're bound to run into someone sooner or later that we can get the information out of."

His plan was simple which was probably best because Uryu was practically foaming at the mouth and time was running short. Ichigo held a rope around his own hands and walked behind Chad with Uryu holding some papers beside him. Since the castle guards at the labs were shockingly used to bodies going in and out, they didn't even blink an eye at the new guy bringing in another one.

Only the end of the first passage they tried ended right in the castle kitchens. It was only luck that it was empty except for one girl sitting near the fire holding a cat. They had a whispered conversation about how to get information out of her, but the girl waved at them and smiled.

"Are you here for the coronation?"

"it's an actual coronation now?"

"That's what I heard! King Aizen is making Grimmjow his prince and heir. But for some reason he sent all the other Espada away to the border with the Shinigami. Guess he didn't want them to feel jealous."

"Holy shit, we gotta go!" Ichigo jumped, but Uryu held him back.

"Sorry to both you, miss, but we got turned around looking over the castle. Do you happen to know where the coronation will take place?"

"Oh, I'm sorry you're lost, I can give you directions to the great hall!" She started sketching on a piece of paper. "I have some cookies there, if you'd like one while you wait. I call them Miracle Pills." They each took one of the chocolate covered treats but soon were spitting out the bites in a frenzy behind her back as she drew the map.

"They're certainly very interesting," Uryu, the ever polite one, said while they tried desperately to hide the remnants of the cookies in a nearby potted plant.

"Thanks! It's my own recipe! It's wasabi and garlic stuffed in a jalapeno covered in chocolate. Guaranteed to wake you up, even if you're mostly dead!"

"Thank you very much, Miss..."

"Orihime. Here you go, I marked the great hall with an X. I think everyone is there except maybe that creepy Mayuri. He came through a little while ago for a snack before heading back down to the labs."

Uryu crumpled the paper when his hand clenchied. "Mayuri."

Ichigo shook his shoulder. "If you need to, go after him. Chad and I can handle the rest."

"But Ichigo—"

"This is something you need to do yourself, right?"

Uryu nodded gratefully.

"Then go," Ichigo told him.

"Take some cookies with you!" Orihime called but Uryu just smiled and bowed at her then ran back toward the labs. "Do you guys want any more cookies?"

"No, we're fine. Thanks again, Orihime!"

"You're welcome, have fun!" she called as Chad and Ichigo ran.

They came to a lobby where several of the Arrancar guards were milling. Chad was a real pleasure to fight beside, Ichigo thought. No one could be as good to him as Grimmjow but he definitely enjoyed fighting alongside the quiet man.

However, in the confusion, they lost the map Orihime gave them and were separated by the Arrancars. Ichigo ran left to draw some of the guards away while Chad went right.

In the Great Hall, the ceremony was mere minutes long. Grimmjow wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but it was simply an old decrepit man drawing some symbols in the air and then announcing that Grimmjow was the new prince and heir of Hueco Mundo.

Aizen grabbed his arm when it was over. "We are having a private reception in my quarters. I have one matter to attend to then I will join you."

"You're a sick fuck," Grimmjow told him but Aizen only smiled and gestured to Tousen.

"Escort him back to my chambers. It would be a … shame if anything happened to my prince now."

"I'm not a prince," Grimmjow argued as Aizen walked away flanked by noble witnesses. "I'm not going to be his heir! I'm not fucking like him!"

"Shut up and come along," Tousen commanded.

Grimmjow had it in the back of his mind the entire time that Ichigo would come. Ichigo would come and fight with him. It was the reason he hadn't tried to kill them all when Gin had led him in or why he didn't strike Tousen down now.

But as he followed Tousen into the dark private hallways deep within the castle, he had to face the facts. Ichigo wasn't coming to save him. Maybe he was back on his ship. Maybe he was dead. Maybe he was out there somewhere thinking that Grimmjow had given up on him again.

It was almost a relief when Tousen turned on him and drew his sword. "The time has come, Grimmjow. Your death will serve a greater purpose. Aizen will raze the country to find the Shinigami assassins that dared kill his heir in his very castle on the night of his coronation. His allies will rise to help him seek vengeance. Then he will take over the world."

"Suck my dick, Tousen. You and Aizen both." Grimmjow settled into his stance and fought.

Tousen was fast and armed but Grimmjow used his strength and speed to maximum damage. But he soon took several slashes including one down his chest and started to waver. Tousen raised his sword and brought it down toward Grimmjow's upper arm, his aim clear to sever the limb.

It rang against the steel of another blade.

"There's a lack of perfect arms in the world. It would be a shame to ruin one of them," Ichigo said.

"You cocky son of a bitch," Grimmjow beamed.

Ichigo defeated Tosen without much trouble even though Grimmjow was yelling encouragement that sounded mostly like orders. Once Tousen fell, Ichigo pushed Grimmjow up against the wall and kissed him thoroughly.

Grimmjow's hand were just finding their favorite home on Ichigo's ass when Aizen appeared at the end of the hall.

"It seems you are always doomed to ruin my perfect plans, Ichigo Kurosaki," Aizen said, moving toward the slowly. "You have spared his life only temporarily. Your meddling must have been learned from that despicable Urahara. But it ends here."

Aizen raised his sword and the kitchen cat suddenly sprang past Ichigo. It flew toward Aizen's face then somehow turned into a naked woman right before it tackled him to the ground.

Ichigo and Grimmjow stared and a familiar voice said, "Sorry to butt in Ichigo, but we have some business here." He turned to find Urahara and his own first-mate Shinji standing with swords drawn. "We'll take care of Aizen, if you want to make your grand escape."

"We have to warn the Shinigami. Aizen sent his Espada to attack."

"Already taken care of," Shinji said. "We knew he was up to no good."

"Oh. Okay. Sounds like you thought of everything. Thanks for letting me know!" Ichigo shook his fist at both of them.

Urahara peered out from under his hat and smiled. "Why don't you just take your young man away and reunite properly. We have business with Aizen."

"What the hell? Who the fuck?" the questions were rolling out of Grimmjow but no one answered until Ichigo grabbed his arm.

"Let's go."

"WHY? Someone tell me what the—"

"Later," Ichigo promised as he let Urahara, Shinji and the very naked cat-lady have their way. "We need to find Chad and Uryu."

"What now?"

"I'll explain it all later. Let's go!"

They met Uryu stumbling his way out of the labs, bleeding and coughing but alive.

"I avenged my grandfather," he said before falling into Ichigo's arms. Grimmjow growled but was appeased when Ichigo slung Uryu's arms over their shoulders so they could carry him.

They went through the empty kitchen and found Chad just outside with Orihime petting the nose of a beautiful horse. "I found horses," Chad said.

As Ichigo and Chad boosted Uryu into a saddle, Ichigo said, "Tell me, how do you guys feel about becoming pirates?"

"Is there adventure?" Chad asked.

"Is there treasure?" Uryu asked.

"Is there wenching?" Grimmjow asked eagerly.

Ichigo scowled. "Not for you."

Grimmjow threw his head back and laughed then he grabbed Ichigo and pulled him close.

Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure.*

This one...was not even close.

It was dirty and filthy, ripe with the promise of exactly what they were going to do as soon as they were alone. It was wet and hot and as close to sex as two mouths could come. There was moaning and groaning and more than a little hip grinding. It was utterly perfect.

And so they rode off into the sunset and all lived happily ever after.

The End

 _Isshin closed the book with a quiet finality and leaned over to kiss his girls good night. Karin's eyes popped open. "What kind of bedtime story was that, old man? Who tells their daughters that kind of stuff?"_

 _"I liked it. Especially the kissing parts," Yuzu said dreamily._

 _Karin gagged. "He was talking about our brother."_

 _"Yeah, but Grimmjow is handsome. I like him."_

 _"Grooooss."_

 _"Maybe I can read you another story tomorrow night?" Isshin volunteered eagerly._

 _"Not like that one! Aren't we too old for this crap anyway?"_

 _"But Karin, I worked hard on it! You should appreciate all the hard work your dear old daddy does to please you—"_

 _"Please me by getting out and letting us go to sleep. I'll probably have nightmares tonight."_

 _"Daddy could sleep in here—"_

 _Whomp! Karin swung the pillow with perfect accuracy to catch Isshin in the face._

 _"Okay, okay, good night, I'm leaving."_

 _"Good night Dad, I love you!"_

 _"...Night. And dad? If you really want to read to us again sometime. I guess we're not too old yet."_

 _"As you wish," Isshin whispered and quietly shut their door behind him._

THE END

* * *

*Actual direct quote from The Princess Bride.

This is either one of the best things I've ever written or the absolute, very worst. No in-between.


End file.
